R is one of the few friends from my childhood who I'm still in touch with. (We met in a math class 37 years ago.) He's been working in California this summer, and I got a chance to visit with him and his family this week.
At dinner on Wednesday, R's son D asked me a question that took me by surprise. He said I looked nervous or uncomfortable, and asked me why that was. That took me by surprise because I wasn't even aware that I was feeling that way.
I realized that D's observation was right on the money, and his question deserved an honest answer.
I realized I was feeling unsettled because R was in the middle of a struggle with his daughter Z: nothing too serious, just usual parent-vs-stubborn-kid stuff. Bickering and struggle was commonplace in my family when I was a kid, but I don't watch much of it up-close in my day-to-day life nowadays. Lots of people are accustomed to continual conflict, but people are accustomed to all kinds of things that I'm happy to avoid.
At that moment, the conflict between R and Z was disturbing to me. I explained this to D and he seemed to understand.
But I don't know whether D has any idea how great his question was. For one, I was struck by how uninhibited he was about asking me; I give him credit for that. I was also struck by how unaware I was about what I was feeling before he called it to my attention.
I very much appreciate that R stays in touch with me. Although our lives have gone in different directions, there's a special kind of bond we have from having known each other for so long.
I try to stay in touch with people, but it's frustrating at times. I'll write to someone I used to be friends with; they'll say they got my email and that they'll write or call "soon"--but nothing happens. I don't demand attention; it's fine if someone isn't inclined to stay in touch. I just don't like the phony "I'll write again soon" routine--which, curiously, tends to come only from people I was once close friends with.
Monday 08.22.05
From an August 19 entry of a well-known rightie blog:
President Bush is having a tough summer, for reasons that are pretty much out of his control (continued terrorism in Iraq, gas prices)...True enough: Iraq is out of (Bush's) control. But the implication--that Bush isn't responsible--is risible. It's as if Bush were entitled to say, "I went in with the most powerful army in history, I spent hundreds of billions of dollars, I did the best anyone could; it's not my fault it didn't turn out so well."
A few months ago, I asked readers to recommend thoughtful and insightful rightie blogs. How many have been recommended so far? To quote a Monty Python sketch: nearly one.
Friday 08.19.05
When I talk to friends about troubles I'm experiencing, I see two main types of response: some people primarily listen to what I'm telling them, and others primarily try to make suggestions and tell me what they think.
Guess which approach more often turns out to be genuinely helpful.
Happy nineteenth.
Wednesday 08.17.05
Small town life: someone I met commented that I must be in good health, because he hasn't seen me where he works (at the hospital).
Monday 08.15.05
I was talking about sex with a friend yesterday. His experience sounded a lot like my own; he said he wasn't as inclined to have sex with people as he used to be, but that he still had an active fantasy life.
I liked how freely he told me that.
I have some trouble letting go of the belief that fantasy is inherently less desirable than actual sex with a partner. A sex life that's largely based on fantasy reminds me of being a sexually frustrated teenager.
Saturday 08.13.05
Today, Tommyjournal calls your attention to a newspaper article with this impressive sequence of stupid sentences:
Prices in overheated markets must, by definition, come back down to the mean.The mean of what ?
Knowing which way the market is headed before buying or selling is extremely important to anyone who wants to protect the wealth tied up in a house.As if someone needs to read a newspaper to tell them this.
And it certainly matters to anyone who is thinking of buying because it never makes much sense to buy at the top of the market.(see previous comment)
Note also this subject-verb disagreement and strange use of semicolons:
...the price appreciation in cities including New York City; Austin, Tex.; Philadelphia; and Providence, R.I., are decelerating.
Last, but not least:
Some of the most crucial pieces of information are held closely by real estate agents. The number of houses on the market is one of them. The national average is 4.3 months; 6 months is closer to normal, the National Association of Realtors says.The average number of houses on the market is 4.3 months. I learn something new every day.
At the moment, that article is at the top of the Times' "Most E-Mailed" list. <sigh>
Thursday 08.04.05
Over the years, I've lost friends to AIDS. I miss them. I think about them a lot, even many years after their deaths. Friendships mean a lot to me, and I've lost some of my closest friends.
Friendships I had when I was younger had a different quality than friendships I've formed since. This is sweeping generalization time, I know there are exceptions. But I'm not as adaptable as I was 20 years ago, and I think that has a bearing on my relationships. The more malleable people are, the easier it is to develop common ground.
I'm not saying an old dog absolutely can't learn new tricks. Where there's a will, there's a way. I am only admitting what is plainly obvious in my own life: it takes more effort and time for me to learn new things.
I'm not saying that friendships I've made more recently are inferior to ones I made years ago. They are just different.
Monday 08.01.05
I stopped hanging out with M recently. He and I have different outlooks on many things and I just haven't enjoyed spending time with him.
And. M gets into certain kinds of trouble that I try to keep a distance from. When someone habitually lives in a sphere of trouble, I prefer to stay away. It may seem like I'm throwing out some of the baby with the bath water; so be it. I'm particular about who I spend time with.
I brought all this up when talking to a (different) friend I visited today in jail. He asked me why I was even visiting him, as he has cultivated no small amount of trouble for himself. Good question, and one I've asked myself several times.
What can I say. I use my judgment (which includes intuition) in such matters.
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